The desperate guy – joke A slender small guy in a bar was looking to the glass of beer in front of him.
A strong build bully entered and sees the small guy. Getting closer he slammed the guy on both cheeks and drunk his beer.
The small guy started crying, desperation in his eyes, pulling his hair.
The bully: “what kind of a man are you to make such a circus for a beer?” The small guy: “All started this morning and lasted the whole day. In the morning I found my wife left me after she emptied our bank account. At the office my boss fired me. I tried to kill myself and jumped in front of the train, but the train changed lines only feet away. Then I tried to hang myself but the rope broke. My last chance was here at the bar, I bought a beer and put poison in it, but you came and drunk it.”
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.” Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.” Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.” Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.” Americans: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.” Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
Q: what is the understanding of a blonde about “protected sex”? A: locking the car’s doors.
**************************** Four friends, girls, were together in a park. All of a sudden, the red-haired said: “I will tell my boyfriend about all my past adventures.” The brown-haired: “That is stupidity!” The brunette: “That is courage!” The blonde: “That is good memory!”
A driver was happy driving in the country-side, looking around to the beautiful scenery. He did not pay attention the asphalt ended and the road was very muddy ahead. Too late, his sport car was stuck before he could stop the car. He tried, but in vain, the car was cemented.
A farmer passed by, on the horseback of a huge horse. “Can you help me? “asked the frustrated driver. “Sure. It will cost you fifty dollars.”
No problem, the horse did the trick and pulled out the car. “Luckily you were around,” said the driver after he payed the fifty dollars.
“I stay around all day, you are the driver number four for the day who I saved, and it is not noon yet.”
“And when do you work the land?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “night time I am busy pouring water in this place.”
A guy opened the barber's door and asked the barber how long he has to wait for a hair cut. Being a busy day, the hairdresser looked around and responded: "About two hours." The guy left in a hurry.
Few days later the same guy entered the barber shop and asked again how long he has to wait for a hair cut. Being a crowded day again, the barber looked around and answered: "About three hours." And again, the guy left in a hurry and did not come back.
Few days later the same story repeats.
The barber, already curious, asked his disciple Ben: “Ben, follow the guy and see what on earth is he doing.” Ben obeyed and run after the guy. He was back in twenty minutes.
“Well,” said the barber, “where did this guy go after he left?” Ben, all smiles, replied: “At your house.”