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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
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The kid: “Dad, you have to go to school and talk to the teacher.” The father: ”Why?” The kid: "Well, nothing, I just asked… what end? " The father: “How so?” The Kid: "Well, the teacher, with a ruler in his hand, came and pointed it to me, saying, At the end of this ruler is a slow minded person ... and I just asked, what end? “ ****************** The parents punish the kid for a very low mark in the geography class. The father: “We punished the kid because he did not know where Morocco is, but do we know?” The mother: “I am not very sure but could not be far. I have a colleague from Morocco and comes to the office on bike” ********************** The teacher: “How is your little brother?” The kid: “ He is OK, but I am afraid my mother wants to sell him.” The teacher: “How so?” The kid: “She is measuring his weight every day.” Radio Moscow receive an anonymous letter with a question: “Are concentration camps in Russia?" Upon reading the letter Radio Moscow answers: “We did not receive your letter.” **************************************** In the mountains, a tourist talks to a shepherd. “How many sheep do you have?” “92” “How old are you?” “Something between 60 and 70.” The tourist scratches his head. “How comes you know how many sheep you have but not your age?” “Well” said the shepherd “no one tried so far to steal my age.” ************************************* A young man, drafted for the army, wanted to bribe the doctor to declare him unfit for service, and inserted few $100 bills in his ass. The doctor finds the money, still, he filled-in the papers with the verdict: fit for army duty. “But I have hemorrhoids,” protested the man. “Yes,” said the doctor, “but not enough.” ************************************************ The doctor: “Did you listen to my advice and slept with the window opened?” The patient: “Yes” The doctor: “So did your asthma symptoms disappear?” The patient: “No, but my iPad and TV dsappeared." A guy enters a restaurant and asks for a bottle of wine and 2 glasses. After filling in the 2 glasses, drinks from one glass, changes seats and drinks from the other. “Why are you doing this?” asks the waiter. “One glass is for me, and the other for a friend that is a sailor, he is on the sea now.” One month later the guy shows up again at the restaurant and asks for a bottle of wine and only one glass. He starts drinking when the waiter comes by: “What happened to your friend?” “My friend is OK, it is about me” answered the guy. “I decided to quit drinking.” ******************************* Three drunkards on the railroad. One says: “There are too many stairs in this building.” Second: “And the railings are too cold.” Third: “It seems the elevator is coming.” ************************************ “I do not understand why I am here at the police station?” “For drinking” said the officer. “Good, give me another brandy bottle.” ************************************************ A drunkard in a bus repeats continuously: “I do not care, I do not care...” After a while a lady asks: “What don’t you care, man?” “If I pi on my right or left foot.” ********************************** Q: Why do we have stupid politicians? A: Because people elect one of their own kind. ************************************* “Suppose I put my hand in a man's pockets and take his money. What does it mean, children?” “You are the Minister of Finances!” ************************************ The president visits a madhouse. He is sure he is well known even here, and asks a madman, "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the man. Disappointed, the president explains: "I am the most important man in this country". The madman smiled, "Do not worry, they will fix you, when I arrived here, I thought I am the Emperor of Japan." *********************************** Q: Why are parliamentarians never robbed by thieves? A: Professional courtesy! “What is it like to be married, Jo? “
“Well, how can it be? I can not drink, I can not smoke, I can not go with my friends to a beer, I can not look after a woman on the street.” “Does that mean you regret you married her?” “I am not allowed that one either.” **************************************** Husband and wife enter a restaurant. At one of the tables, the woman sees the ex-husband. "Seven years since we parted, he is still drinking" "That's silly," says the current husband.” Nobody's celebrating so many years!” **************************************** Husband and wife looking for a taxi. A cab stops. “How much to downtown?” asks the wife. “Twenty dollars,” answers the driver. “And if I take my husband with me?” “Still twenty dollars.” The wife turns to her husband: “I told you; you worth nothing.” The husband comes home: “If the food is not ready in 10 minutes, I get dressed and go to the restaurant.” The wife: “Wait, please, ten minutes, then” The happy husband: “Why? Is the food ready?” The wife: “No, I get dressed and I come with you.” The husband: “I heard that Paul had sex with all women in the building, except one.” “Yes, “ confirmed the wife, “Mary, from the third floor.” The husband: “Can you tell me something that will make me sad and happy in the same time?” The wife: “ You have the biggest dick in the building.” After having sex with her wife, the husband asks: “How comes I never know when you have an orgasm?” The wife: “I do not want to call you at the office for such a trivial thing.” Q: when is someone congratulated when he is doing a mistake? A: When he gets married Q: When is someone congratulated when he makes a mistake? A: When he gets married “But, sir, why do you want to divorce?”
“My wife treats me like a dog” “Does she hurt you? Hit you?” “No, she wants me to be faithful.” Two Transylvanians, Bula and Ionel, cut wood in a frosty cold winter day.  A man was flying with a hot air balloon, and at some point, he realized he was lost.
He lowered the balloon close to the ground and found a woman on a meadow. As he approached her, he cried out to her: “Be nice, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him, but I do not know where I am.” The woman replied: “You are in a hot air balloon, about 10 feet high. You find yourself between 40 and 41 degrees north, and between 59 and 60 degrees west.” “Well, you're probably an engineer!” said the man in the balloon. "That's right," said the woman, "but how do you know?" “Well, all you have said is technically correct, but I have no idea what I could do with the information from you and I'm still in the mist. To be honest, you did not help me at all. I can even say I lost my time listening to you.” Then the woman answered, “But you have to be a director!” "That's right," the man replied, but how do you know? “Well, you do not know where you are or where you're heading. You got up to the height by taking advantage of a flame that made the situation hot. You made a promise that you do not know how to keep it and you expect the people under you to solve your problem. The truth is that you are exactly where you were when we started talking, 1 minute ago, but suddenly you find this is my fault.” |
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